A dozen or so years ago, a colleague at the university where I was teaching at the time was getting married. He kindly invited all colleagues to his very elaborate wedding. But there was a catch. Clearly stated on the invitation was a note that this wedding would be child-free.
This was the first time I had come across this phenomenon, but I simply had not been to that many weddings in my life. While it seemed unusual, I thought nothing of it at the time. At the end, by the way, I didn’t attend because — you guessed it — I was unable to find childcare for my then-five-year-old son.
Later I heard that the decision caused significant tension in the groom’s family. His sister, who had two kids, felt personally offended that her children were not welcome. Living overseas, perhaps she also felt that it would have been unfeasible for her to navigate childcare in this situation: Should she have left her children at home for several days without her, and perhaps attended the wedding without her husband (who would have stayed home with the kids)? Or was she supposed to bring the kids along, just to find a babysitter in an unfamiliar city, all to attend her carefree-living brother’s wedding?
While this was the first time I ever heard of child-free weddings, it was scarcely the last. In fact, the trend only keeps growing. In a story about this phenomenon in December 2023 for New York Times, Hilary Sheinbaum includes this astounding statistic: “Of 4,000 couples with 2024 wedding dates, 79.5 percent are in favor of kid-free weddings.”
Let us examine possible reasons for this fad before considering why this is a trend we ought to resist — for the sake of our families, first and foremost, but also for the sake of our society and our democracy.
Some couples Sheinbaum interviews included children in the ceremony proper (e.g., flower girls or ring bearers), only to shuttle them off to a separate location with a babysitter for the much longer reception after. But more often, a child-free wedding is entirely child-free. Reasons mentioned sometimes include concern for the children themselves — for instance, there is some discomfort around the idea of having children be present at an occasion where alcohol is liberally consumed. Mostly, though, the reason cited has less to do with children and more with the adults: brides especially would like their wedding day to be perfect in every way — cue the much-maligned “bridezilla” phenomenon. Children are perceived as too likely to disrupt the festivities, and no one wants such disruptions or inconveniences on the most special day of their lives.
For this last reason, therefore, even people who are churched now fall into that 79.5 percent statistic, as I had the opportunity recently to observe. The cousin of someone at my church was getting married. When I asked my acquaintance if she was going to the wedding, she explained that while she was invited, her three children expressly were not. She felt excluded, as a result. An invitation just for her and her husband, but without her kids, did not feel like a genuine invitation.
She was right. Child-free weddings are just another manifestation of the family unfriendly culture in which we dwell. I would like to offer three reasons to include children in weddings — and in all other similar life events.
First, if you are banning kids from a wedding because they are disruptive, I have news for you: Adults can be much more disruptive than children. This is especially likely at events where alcohol is served. But even without alcohol, crazy stuff happens. I recall a family funeral a year ago where a fully grown middle-aged relative behaved much worse than any of the kids present. I am sure I am not the only one who readily recalls such a story.
So, the only way to host a wedding (or any event) that is not disruptive is to invite no people. Why? Because people of all ages and life stages can be unpredictable. Everyone has stories of crazy things that happen at family events. If you sit down and think about it, you will realize that most of these involve misbehaving adults, rather than tired screaming children (although this most assuredly can happen). Realistic expectations for events are not to dream of some “perfect day,” but to assume that sometimes all people get cranky. Sometimes it is even the bride. It’s okay, we’d still like her to show up.
Second, families are meant to be families. Inviting everyone in the family to a wedding or other event is natural. It sends the message of togetherness, love, and connection of family members across generations. There are very few occasions, after all, when families who live in different states or even countries might all get together and be united. Weddings and funerals are it, as the cliché goes. Leaving out kids disrupts the possibility of cousins connecting with other cousins — next generation of relatives knowing each other. I still remember how at my wedding, my oldest niece met a cousin for the first time. And for the entire time, the two girls played and played and played.
And third, leaving children specifically out of weddings sets up false expectations of what weddings are really about. Weddings shouldn’t be about the perfect party at which no one spills juice (or something stronger) or cries over a missed nap; they should, rather, be about two people building a life together. And guess what that life should include, Deo volente? Children.
A wedding without children is sterile — in the worst possible sense of the term. It sends the message of marriage as an affair of convenience. In such a vision of marriage, disruptions are unwelcome, whether those should come in the shape of children or, gasp, one’s own spouse not behaving the way one had idealistically imagined.
Life with other people is about disruptions and inconveniences, but so much joy arises from these too. Joy in the ordinary, after all, is unscripted. One cannot simply chase it and pin it down by scripting carefully the menu, curating the guest list to only the well behaved, or scheduling mandatory fun to occur at precisely 5 p.m. every Friday. Being open to unexpected, unasked, unimagined gifts is what makes marriage and family life so fun and ultimately glorious in a transcendent way. The best gifts in my adult life have been ones I have not even known I needed — but God did.
Recently, we invited friends who have five kids over for dinner. The husband wrote to my husband a couple of days before to double-check: is it okay to bring the kids, or should they find a sitter? Yes, we responded, of course you should bring the kids. Our kids were very much looking forward to playing with them. But even the fact that he asked the question is indicative of the kind of society we have become. As some dining establishments casually note, dogs are welcome; kids aren’t. And that is sad.
With every small decision we make, we choose what kind of world we want to live in. I want to live in a world where there is always rice and random crumbs to clean out of the floor cracks and couch cushions the next morning, humble witnesses of a meal consumed by small children to whom such things invariably stick mid-repast, to be disseminated everywhere else they go to play after. Because this is the kind of world where authentic, unscripted, rich joy happens.
Sure, we often say in jest, kids are why we can’t have nice things. But at the end, let’s admit that kids are the nicest things of all.